When I first started exploring kink/BDSM in 2015, I wanted to know what I enjoyed. What I was interested in exploring. What my partner wanted to explore. That’s what prompted my search for the best BDSM limits checklist available.
At the time, I had NO idea how to initiate conversations about kink with my partner, and I also didn’t know what to look for in a limit list. At first, I thought it was enough that it had lots of items and was comprehensive. Then, I thought recording my interest in giving and receiving certain activities was enough. As I began introducing people to kink and BDSM, I quickly realized the best BDSM limits checklist really would have even more features.
Below, I highlight the top things to look for or include in a limits list. Whether you’re purchasing a pre-existing template, using one you’ve found on the internet, or creating your own, this information is invaluable.
[Related: Why I Rebranded to Erotic Empowerment]
1. You can include basic info.
The first and absolutely most basic thing to look for (or to include) in your limits list is a spot for basic info: name, scene name, health considerations, trauma triggers. In the BDSM limits checklist I designed, Erotically Empowered Limits List™, I also included spots for gender pronouns, sexual orientation, Erotic Blueprint™ design, and an emergency contact.
Unlike most limits checklists, which have spots for basic info at the top of the limits list, I created a separate tab just for information. You can see the limits list in action towards the bottom of this blog post.
While it’s never mandatory to fill out ALL this information, it is important to identify known and possible triggers. BDSM can activate (read: trigger) folx with a history of trauma, so identifying triggers in advance mitigates a lot of upset and helps the scene go well. It’s also important to identify physical, emotional, and mental health issues that might affect the scenes you create.
2. There’s dedicated spots for giving and receiving.
Many people are not interested in giving and receiving all activities. Some are willing to receive (bottoming) but feel uncomfortable being the giver (top). And vice versa.
For my part, I LOVE bottoming for flogging. That means I’m the one getting flogged. While I like flogging others, it’s not as much of a turn on for me. It’s enjoyable, it’s okay, I like it, but I don’t LOVE it. On my limits list for flogging, I’ve noted that I’m a “10 out of 10” when it comes to receiving, and a “7” when it comes to giving.
From there, my partner(s) see that I really like flogging. They might say to themselves, “Okay, Kelly Noel really likes bottoming for (receiving) flogging. I really enjoy topping for (giving) flogging. Let’s make sure to incorporate flogging into some of our scenes.”
In this way, the limit list guides communication around sex, kink/BDSM, and other erotic play. It also supports you and your partners in making fewer assumptions about “what’s a hell yes” and what’s “a hard no.” It makes your communication proactive, rather than reactive.
3. It has at least 275+ inventory items.
The best BDSM limits checklists are comprehensive, which means they have A LOT of inventory items. An inventory item is any activity, toy, or fetish that you might explore. Common examples include blindfolds, handcuffs, and spanking. I’ve found that comprehensive lists have between 275-300 inventory items… there’s a lot of fetishes and toys out there to include!
When you’re new to kink and BDSM, you may have a lot of “unknown” or “curious to try” noted on your list.That’s okay and completely normal. You haven’t tried those activities and don’t know if you like it yet. That’s part of the beauty with kink and BDSM… it’s a journey. It’s an exploration. There’s so much to discover along the way.
These “best of the best” checklists also separate the inventory items by category so you can easily find what you’re looking for.
With the Erotically Empowered Limits List™, the seven activity categories are filterable. That means you can easily hide all the inventory items in a particular category. (Or show just the items in one category.) This approach helps reduce overwhelm and fatigue when filling out a limits list.
After all, 275+ different activities (many of which may be new or unfamiliar) is a lot to think about all in one go. In the past, it’s taken me 2-3 hours at a time (if not longer) to fill out all the items.
It was incredibly exhausting. ????
Limit list fatigue is real. So it’s important to create or use a limits list that considers the end-user’s experience and is easy to fill out.
[Related: Make Sex Healing, Not Shameful]
4. It leverages a trauma-aware approach.
As both a BDSM educator and holistic trauma healer, I’ve learned it’s important to have strategies in place to support people with existing trauma. Even hearing about kink and BDSM can activate folx with in-process and unhealed trauma, and it can make their healing journey longer or more challenging.
At a minimum, a BDSM limits checklist should include a spot to list known and active triggers. This element is essential.
Period.
It makes it less likely that your kinky play will activate one of the people involved. It also empowers you to have proactive communication with all parties involved and to play safely.
But just because the checklist includes a spot for you to list triggers doesn’t mean the limit list is trauma-aware. For the limit list to be trauma-aware, it will actively focus on ways to reduce emotional distress for folx with trauma.
With Erotically Empowered Limits List™, for example, the default view is of “Mild ????” activities only. That means that someone who has trauma isn’t going to see the more intense kinds of play when the look at the limit list unless they intentionally choose to. In total, there’s four different intensity categories: Mild ????, Hot ????, Spicy ????️, and Edge Play ⚠️.
There’s also a couple places for people to indicate if a particular activity might activate them. This limit list includes a spot to list triggers on the “Basic Info” tab, which is common. But it also includes a spot to list triggers next to each inventory item. In the “Triggers” column, there’s a simple drop-down: YES, NO, UNKNOWN.
This approach invites kinksters to identify their known AND possible but unknown triggers. It’s just another strategy to keep people safe during their kinky and erotic play.
5. It’s flexible and continues to work as you grow.
Having flexibility in your BDSM limit list is also important. If you’re a newcomer to kink, where you start is often NOT where you end up. When I first started exploring kink, my partner was scratching, pinching, or spanking me. All of these are mild forms of pain play, better known as S&M (sadism and masochism). Now, I prefer being on the receiving end of a flogger, paddle, bat, or crop.
When you start, you want a limit list that exposes you to mild activities. As you learn more about kink and BDSM, you want a limit list that also has more advanced forms of play. If a limit list can clue you in on where to start, it takes out A LOT of the guesswork.
Make sure that any other features that the limit list has makes you feel safe, seen, and supported. Feel free to tweak any template you do see so that it matches you and aligns with your needs. After all, the reason a limit list exists is to serve and support YOU in playing more safely and feeling sexually liberated, being erotically empowered.
Where do I go from here?
As you’re looking at using a BDSM limit checklist, there’s three routes you can explore: 1) You can find one for free online. 2) You can create your own from scratch. 3) You can learn more or snag your own copy of Erotically Empowered Limit List™ here.
If you decide to opt for a free option, the best one that I’ve found online is at Discerning Specialist. It’s the limit list that I was using before I designed Erotically Empowered Limit List™. That limit list, while free, is NOT trauma-friendly. I’d also argue it’s not beginner-friendly.
I know what it’s like to feel fatigue and overwhelm looking at a BDSM limits checklist. I’ve repeatedly felt that overwhelm, even as an experienced practitioner. So that was the issue I wanted to address. For me, my clients, and kinksters. And I’m constantly updating this template to make it even safer and more user-friendly.
Check out the demo below. In the 6-minute video, you’ll get to see specific features and elements of the limit list. No, Erotically Empowered Limit List™ isn’t a freebie, but I promise you’ll be glad you invested in it.